From the British Association for the Advancement of Science’s Laughlab project:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls down. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency. “My friend just dropped dead,” he says. “What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure that he’s dead.” There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”
* * * * *
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send one more ‘woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
* * * * *
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus drivers says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off—go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”